Number of People with Nothing Better to Do

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Is there really anything more satisfying than killing a mosquito? As a kid in Venezuela I remember the joy of finally being tall enough to be able to jump up and touch the ceiling. The ceiling is where the mosquitoes hung out so it was too much to ask a kid not to take a flying leap and squish the little bastards good. Unfortunately the ceiling was white, the bugs were black, and their blood (formerly ours) was red so it made for some interesting interior decorating. - Cela, love the paint job in your kitchen. Thanks, I was watching the Venezuelan HGTV channel but all they showed was bullfighting in black and white so this is what you get. The kids helped. Thank god we rent the joint.

But back to Peru - Those little pricks have been flying around my room all night waiting for their chance to stick their creepy little beaks in me for a Big Gulp of O Pos. All night I hear the humming, a high pitch buzz. How many are there? Squadrons being launched from some floating fortress in the desert. Tora! Tora! Tora! Land of the rising sun bandanas and kamikaze missions. I’m hot and tired and starting to doze off. They know this and begin their attacks. A little prick here around the ankle, here’s a spot right on the thumb. Looks like a dangerous place to grab a drink but what the f#ck they’re going to feast on the very thing that separates this guy from the rest of the animal kingdom. Here’s another spot right on his side. And so it goes most of the evening, until it’s cool enough to take cover under the covers.

Well, you little kamikaze pricks, it’s my turn. You’ve feasted all night but why do you have to leave so soon? You’re trying to fly out, full, toward the cold, gray light of dawn back to your coffins or wherever you spend your vampiric nights. But you can’t leave - the screens on my windows won’t let you. Well my dear dive-bombing d#ckheads, it’s my turn now. This is so easy, so fun, and so rewarding. Select victim, place finger on it’s back and apply just a little pressure. There are so many but I don’t have anything planned for a while…

I wish my finger made an irritating buzzing sound to let them know what’s in store for them.


  1. You are finally cracking up. I am impressed you lasted this long. Now the fun can really begin for you.